Black Widow beast and Grandmother Spider (a shadow tale)

Sept 8 2017: an unexpected ceremony

 I am in the midst of a recent decision to end a 30 year marriage with a traditional expression in terms of division of labor. I raised and homeschooled the kids, did everything related to home and children and relationships, and he provided the resources to support us by doing his mission work, which had his predominant focus.  My partner accused me of taking the resources he provides for granted, and I am diving into this, to see where my own truth lies.

I get still, quiet and open and ask to receive the next material I need.

Immediately I see a frightening image of a giant malevolent black spider with fangs sunk deep in his neck and feeding on the resources he provides.  I can hardly look at this- it is a terrifying sight!  Ack!  I turn my body away- I don’t want to see you!  It is a harmful feeding.  A devouring.

I feel afraid when I see her and immediately burn some snakeskin, herbs and offer chocolate, asking the Fire for support.  Some part of me is alarmed- quick! Do something!  She’s scary!  She is a dark beast.

I see the same dark beast feeding on the Earth mother and her resources.  It is the same frequency of feeding = harm; she feeds us and is depleted and exhausted from her efforts to fill insatiable children.

I am this spider, feeding on both my partner and the Earth.  This is unseen/shadow material - I am seeking to be fed by Other in an unaligned way. 

So good and so painful to see.  This is where I need to direct my magic and healing energy. 

The Mother will feed us, but she will suffer if we do not create the correct flow by offering our love and gratitude for all she gives.

He gave and gave of his resources.  I fed and fed without offering authentic gratitude for all he provided.   I took him for granted.  He did not feel nourished by me.

I gave and gave of my resources.  He fed and fed and did not offer authentic gratitude for all I provided.  He took me for granted.  I did not feel nourished by him.

It is a broken loop that leaves both depleted and resentful. 

 I sit with this scary spider and connect.  She is Black Widow and as I welcome her as she is, she shrinks and is less fierce and menacing.  She kneels down next to me on her front 2 legs like a horse kneeling.  She carries a rage inside and it is as powerful as the Void.  And she is tired of living out of balance, living as a parasite when it is not her nature.  She is tired of the crushing shoes and damning judgments calling her evil.

The feminine had to feed off the masculine for these many years.  She would be burned at the stake if she connected to the earth mother to be nourished in all the beautiful and loving ways she knew how.  It has been a long-term paradigm that between the masculine and feminine and carries both shadow and gold. 

This came to me through my lineage of privilege in this lifetime.  It was part of the contract.  I would be provided for, and there would be ownership.

It is time to shift this structure, this story.

I/we need to first feed and be fed by the Mother, instead of seeking this through other.  If we create the give/receive love cycle with the mother, and are resourced from above and below, and then dance with other, we can create many healthy loops of giving and receiving, without parasitic feeding.

What is the healed aspect of this feeding spider? The weaving spider!  We are all a part of the tapestry that she been weaving from the beginning of time.  Now that I see this, I can direct my magic, and the first intention is the transformation/healing of the spider.

 I begin by naming the harm done.
Beloved mother, beloved partner-
I am so sorry for the ways my unconscious feeding on the resources you create and provide, without offering gratitude for this gift, has caused depletion to you in body, mind and spirit.
I am so sorry for the harm I have caused by taking you for granted. Please forgive me.  Thank you.  I love you.
Thank you for all the ways you kept me fed, warm and safe in rich abundance. 
I am deeply grateful for all you have provided.

Are all human beings parasites to one another in subtle but harmful ways? With the modern global disconnection from nature, it must be so.  We can’t create the loop to the earth if we are disconnected.  It just doesn’t work.  With our disconnection we lose our most important relationship and our most important resource.  No wonder the world is falling apart!  It must be happening in all dimensions of human relationship- parents and children, spouses and partners, siblings and friends.

In this moment, NOW, I call in any cords to others where is an unhealthy feeding relationship.  I see spider threads going out around me – connecting to other- and I pull them in and integrate them in my body.

 I burn a black candle, charged with many intentions. 

 As this candle burns, may the archetype of feeding spider become weaving spider.  Grandmothers to the beginning and end of time, stand behind me and support this prayer of healthy nourishment and abundance for all!

As this candle burns, may the Black Widow women unhook from dependent feeding on the masculine, and instead create a powerful, nourishing giving and receiving loop with Mother Earth and Father Sky.

I remember with a laugh the spider medicine that came to me while rowing this summer as I asked to release old stories; the lines to the old stories were thin spider threads, woven into a grey elders braid.  The message came: it will not take an inferno to burn this braid.  It is ready to be released.   “Burn your braid, have no fear, the freedom that you seek is here!”

In this moment now, I feed the fire with gratitude for supporting my prayers.  Then I put my roots down deep in the earth and pulse in my love and gratitude for all that She offers.  Thank you for your abundance!  Thank you for your love and beauty!  Thank you for meeting ALL our needs! 

I feel the nourishment which flows to me from her, offered with joy.  The loop/circuit/toroid is complete.  Gratitude completes the positive circuit.

The feeding spider becomes weaving spider, weaving the abundance of the most beautiful story ever told- the more beautiful world our hearts know is possible.  When we are grateful for all that is offered- from every source- we create a cycle of abundance that spreads with love and joy.

This loving, joyful connection is our birthright and our power.  It is the primary relationship.

The spider beast has become a powerful ally- she is Grandmother Spider, the creative weaver of all life, weaving our destiny.  She is a powerful dark goddess, and holds both creation and destruction in her web.  She is my old friend the Old Woman in the Cave, weaving the most beautiful garment depicting of all life.  She is the number 8, the infinite possibility of creation from the void.  Her hourglass is the balance between all duality.  I am so grateful!  What an ally! This is why shadow work is essential for all humans- it is here that the greatest treasure lays buried.

Grandmother Spider
weaves all of creation
From the dark unknown

 She came to me as a snarling beast
from the dark dusty corners
of my unseen self
and she carries the powers
of all creation

 she is another
ancient mother